


The Diary of Moon Taeil

by savagejinyoung



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Chaptered I guess!, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Minor Character Death, New Beginnings, Taeil is a widower, This is the journal his therapist wanted him to start keeping, explicit sexual reference?, some sexual references
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-14
Updated: 2020-12-14
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:00:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,872
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28061313
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/savagejinyoung/pseuds/savagejinyoung
Summary: Taeil is asked by his therapist to keep a journal in order to deal with the sudden death of his husband, Donghyuck. This is that journal.
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Moon Taeil, Moon Taeil/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Comments: 7
Kudos: 26





	The Diary of Moon Taeil

**Author's Note:**

> There's a serious lack of Johnil around here. Also, if it looks like it cuts off randomly, that's because it was meant to. :) Thanks for all the help I had and support to write this. This is the first work I've posted in years. Here goes nothin!

[Entry 1] July 1

I've stared at this page for about twenty minutes, trying to figure out what to put here. Dr. Jeong seems to think that writing - keeping a fucking journal- will help me cope with the loss of Hyuck. Not really sure how this is going to help. It's not like it will bring him back. This is just stupid. I'm going to bed.

[Entry 2] July 6

I'm supposed to do this every day but what am I supposed to write about? The cat? The laundry? Groceries? It's just weird to me to write down what I think and do. I still don't see how this is supposed to be helpful, but here we go. The cat ate a lot today. Sometimes I think Nico misses Hyuck more than I do. He definitely notices that he's not here. Watching him wait by the door is heartbreaking. I feel the same way. It really seems like at any moment I could hear the keys in the lock and the door would open and Hyuck would walk in and 

[Entry 3] July 9

Apparently everyone I know thinks I have no care in the world that Hyuck is gone... because I haven't cried when they can see it. 

[Entry 10] July 10

My mother's advice today was to move. To MOVE. I'm not MOVING from this place. No. This is where Hyuck and I chose to live, this is where I'm staying. I'm not leaving our home. That's just ridiculous to even suggest. She knows I have no intention of leaving. Nothing could force me out of here. No. Just. NO. 

[Entry 14] July 18

Hyuck always did our shopping. Always. I feel kind of lost without him here. I just don't know the routine. He had everything so... streamlined? There was always something in the house to cook or eat. We only went to the store once a week, and I feel like I go every day because I forget something. I've had to start asking the workers I see there for help finding things because I.. really get so turned around. I'll learn the layout eventually. I think I at least know where the main things are. 

[Entry 15] July 19

I keep having dreams about the funeral. I know it's been almost a year, but... it's almost like the dreams make it fresh all over again. It always starts the same. Dark and rainy, just the day itself was so dreary. The casket, his photo, the way he didn't look like himself. It was like there was no way it could be him. That's how it really was, too. Had the features but wasn't HIM. It truly made me realize that our bodies are not who WE are. But it makes me wonder where he went. If he's not in that body...where is he? Is it true about afterlife and stuff? Is he watching over me or sitting here with me right now? Would he want to be attached to me? I love him even now, so completely. Every day is so hard. 

[Entry 26] September 25

I think I'm learning the grocery store layout more. Luckily today there was a guy that was really tall that offered to help me reach something on a top shelf. Why a store has higher than five shelves I will never know. Anyway I was grateful. Next to that guy, though, I felt like the shortest person in the world. 

[Entry 39] November 28 

Maybe it's paying off. Maybe writing in this thing is actually giving me some closure. Maybe it's giving me clarity- I don't know. I just know that I'm able to breathe again, little by little. Maybe my therapist was right. Christmas is around the corner and it's going to be difficult but maybe something will give? My first Christmas without him is going to be really, really shitty. Nico thinks so, too. At least that's what I gather from the way that fluffball lays on his side of the bed every night still. Also, I saw that same guy again today at the store. I think he works there. He always helps me. I guess I'm learning how to make friends again. 

[Entry 42] December 1

Something noteworthy actually happened today. That guy from the store (he definitely works there) asked me if I had plans this weekend. So, we are going to a little event at a winery. Some Winter Wine something or other. I like wine. It's nice that he invited me. Does this constitute as friends? I think it does.

[Entry 46] December 5

Okay, it's about eleven at night, I am pretty sure I drank more samples than I was actually allowed to drink, but this guy was crazy funny when he got buzzed. I'll write more tomorrow I'm dying I think

[Entry 47] December 6

I woke up to a message from Johnny asking me if I made it up the stairs and into bed safely. He's really considerate. I like him. We met at the store and he took me to the winery. It was so pretty, the whole place was brick, and then we got a tour of the vineyard. So many rows of grapes, just thousands of them. It was beautiful. They gave us a small plate of snacks to eat as we sampled the wines. I thought this would be a big group kind of thing but it was just us two. That kind of made it more fun, I think. He acted like a total connoisseur even though it's glaringly obvious he isn't. 

I tried about twenty different wines and maybe six different cheeses. It was all so good. He bought me a bottle of the expensive wine, even though I told him not to. We agreed that we should go there again sometime. It was a lot of fun. 

Also, kinda strange, though, he drives a really nice car for someone who stocks shelves. Not saying he couldn't but like, it just threw me off for him to have such an expensive car. Props to him for having it with that pay grade. I can barely afford my Hyundai on my own salary. Maybe stocking shelves is where it's at.

[Entry 55] December 14

I had a whole night of nightmares, more dreams about the funeral, dreams about the wreck, dreams about Hyuck laying there dying and calling me to tell me. Fuck. I won't ever forget the way he was breathing or the way his voice trembled. God fucking fuck I miss him. Why didn't I go with him that day? Why couldn't I save him? Why did I have to lose him?

[Entry 56] December 15

Johnny called me last night right after I wrote my entry and when he heard me crying he came over for a while. We just sat and talked until he left a little big ago. I told him about Hyuck because he saw a picture of us. It's the picture from when we went to Sweden last year on our anniversary. He asked me if I had Christmas plans and I said no, and I don't. I don't really want any. But he asked me if I would like to join his family for Christmas and...why not. I probably would just spend the day here crying my eyes out. Might as well be with other people to not do that. Might as well be with a friend.

[Entry 62] December 23

Well, Christmas is right around the corner and Johnny and I have spent the day baking. We made all kinds of cookies. He's really a talented cook, and it helps that he works at the store. He brought everything we needed after his shift was over. I told him I couldn't come empty-handed to a Christmas with his whole family, so he agreed to help me make a few things. I'm so nervous. I don't know anyone except him. Will they judge me? Do they know about me already? Did he tell them I'm a gay widower? Does that phrase even make sense? God I will be glad when this is over. Nico keeps staring at me and wandering to Hyuck's side of the bed again. I can't help it, buddy. I wish he were back, too, but... here we are. For now I'm going to sleep. But the next few days should be interesting. His family lives in the USA. We are flying out in three hours. Maybe a change of scenery will do me good. 

[Entry 63] December 24

Sixteen hours, two layovers, one lost suitcase, and a bad coffee later, we made it! The USA is so different. So very different. It's pretty interesting, though. It's neat to see where Johnny is from. He was telling me on the flight over that he came to South Korea for college, and loved it so much he stayed. We talked about everything. He asked me how I met Hyuck and what our story was. He listened so intently and never once seemed bored or uninterested, always asking questions here and there. We talked about his schooling and his whole life up til that point. He's so fascinating, really. I admire him for leaving his home country and making it work where the language isn't even his first language. I don't have much time to write right now, though. We are about to eat dinner. His family is so kind and welcoming, and they speak Korean so that helps! Anyway! Later i will update about all the things. 

[Entry 64] December 24 still

I really love this family. So much. They're so fun. We had such a good homecooked meal, and then we all played games together for hours. It's almost midnight now as I write this. I am laying in the guest room just beside myself really. Johnny had told them a bit about me but I don't think he mentioned Hyuck to them, which is probably for the best. The whole time, though, I was wishing to call Hyuck and tell him what was going on. Maybe if he really is floating around with me, he sees it. I feel bad for having a good time without him, but Johnny told me when he saw me getting gloomy that it was okay to have fun and Hyuck would probably want me to still have fun. Fair. Hyuck was always concerned with my happiness. I sure loved him so much. No, it's weird to say I loved him. I still love him, that will never change. Also this house is very fancy. These sheets are so soft. Johnny's mom is the sweetest lady ever. His dad is so warm and open and kind. No wonder Johnny is such a great guy, too. He was raised right. I expected him to have more family but... his family is just the three of them. Again, I thought it would be a bigger group, but it's just us, and... I do really like that.

[Entry 65] December 25 - A Chicago Christmas!!

This morning Johnny's mom made us all christmas waffles and cinnamon rolls with eggs and bacon. I was seriously impressed, and it was so delicious. She and my mom could make one hell of a team in the kitchen. Their creations would probably be unrivaled. Then everyone opened presents and... they even got me a present. I was honestly touched. They got me a basket of all kinds of different snacks from the USA that I might not have ever heard of or tried, and a Chicago hat. They didn't have to do anything and yet they did that for me. I will have to send them something from Korea when we get home. They're so sweet. I think now Johnny and I are going out to explore while there's not a lot of traffic and pedestrians, since everyone's at home for the holiday. Updates later!

[Entry 66] December 25 still!

We saw a giant mirrored bean. Why, I don't know but it exists! It was fun to take silly pictures in front of. We hit a lot of sights and we walked a long time. There were a few cafes open despite the holiday and we stopped in to get something warm to drink. I got peppermint hot chocolate. Oh my god, it was so good, and a blueberry scone. I am living my best life here. Chicago is so cool. Before we got back, Johnny gave me a gift, too. He didn't have to do that either. But it was so special and I am stupid and emotional so of COURSE I cried when I saw that he gave me a leather-bound and personalized journal with a very nice pen for the new year. I'm glad he gave it to me away from everyone, because this journal thing is still something I'm a little ashamed of. But he knows about it because I mentioned it at the winery when I said 'I'm going to have so much to write about in my journal'. I will start the new year in the new journal. Considering this one is just whatever notebook I had laying around at the time, I feel like the new year will be ready for a fancy journal written in with a fancy pen. I'm having a great time here. We are staying through New Year's since it's just a few days away. Fun times~

[Entry 70] December 28

Johnny and I went out for breakfast and then spent the day being lazy and watching movies with his parents. I've never heard Johnny's laugh, like his full laugh, until this week. It's amazing. I can tell he's really happy to be here. We had one of those embarrassingly cliché moments tonight too, where we both reached for the last cookie and our hands touched. Oh god, I thought my face was going to burst into flames and melt off. He just smirked at me and shook his head and told me I can have it. I almost didn't want to eat it because my stomach did ten flips. What is wrong with me?? Also my lost suitcase was delivered today. Whew! I was getting worried for a minute.

  
[Entry 73] December 31 - Goodbye Year!

I really don't want to leave on the 2nd. Can I just stay here? If my sister wasn't babysitting Nico, I probably would just refuse to go back. No, I could never stay away from home. Or work, I guess. I'm looking back on the year and realizing that the happiest times of the year so far have been these past few months, thanks to Johnny. I had a dream about him last night that was not G-rated and I want to know where the hell that came from because I was not ever thinking like that about him but now I can't stop. What the hell. Anyway it's almost midnight so we are going to watch the show on TV until the new year is here. 

[Entry 1] January 1

Hello, new journal. You smell like leather and I love that. This pen is phenomenal. But it's 3:30 in the morning and I can't believe what happened just a few hours ago. I went to kiss Johnny's cheek for the new year and he turned the same way and we ended up kissing on the lips. I was embarrassed for so long but laughed it off the best I could, then his parents went to bed and we were left sitting there. He asked me if I was okay and I said I was. But then we ended up staring at each other for a ridiculous amount of time until suddenly, somehow I don't even remember, we were kissing again. It was like I forgot my whole entire brain or it just fell out somewhere. He picked me up and carried me up the stairs to his room and god I wasn't even thinking about his parents until we were in there and clothes were coming off left and right and everything happened so fast. Thank god I'm quiet anyway and his parents stay on the other side of the house. He fucked me so _good_ , though. Maybe I'm still inebriated but I think it was _really good_. Fucking amazing. Maybe it's just that I haven't had sex in almost a year but god it was hot. His hands are so big and he smelled so good and _felt so good_. I'm laying here now thinking about it again. I snuck out of his room and came back in here. I'm feeling guilty the longer I'm awake. I feel like I've cheated on Hyuck. He's not even alive and I still feel like I've cheated. I'm so conflicted because it was so amazing and it felt right and it just happened so easily and naturally and I haven't felt that way since Hyuck. I don't even know if I'm making sense but. When was Johnny going to tell me he is interested in guys?? What a way to start the new year. God fucking damn it.


End file.
